bad ass: ain't braggin if you can back it up

so how was it, the exam. just me short of asking him, will you pass. yet, my brother knew me all too well. yes, i will pass. he responded. delivered with an eerie sense of certainty. that reassured me somewhat. my youngest brother, a soon-to-be lawyer. he smiled, and in  an attempt at humor said, i'm disappointed with how i did. fishing out for a curious "why is that," which i obligingly asked. "because i won't surely take the top spot" he responded with a familiar grin. then added, "perhaps I'll grab the sixth or seventh. no big deal". that last line i immediately dismissed as bragging. just his way of taking the stress of the exam off his system. so we went out with the family for a pig out celebrating the end of my brother's 6-month ordeal preparing for and taking the bar exam. what i and the entire family didn't know though was we're in for a huge surprise the minute the results were announced four months later.

i was in the middle of sleep when  a phone rung waking me up. phone clock said 12:30 pm. I picked it up, saw lex, my brother, was the one calling. "hello," i said over the cheering voices in the background. "lab nailed it, got 7th!." "Holy F," was what i afforded to say. dumbfounded. goosebumps manifesting all over my body. after talking to him i dialed my brother's number. "kuy?" he answered, obviously expecting me. "i am disappointed of you," i started, "why the hell not grab the 6th and just settled for the 7th?" I asked, trying to sound serious. "I apoligize he said, I did my best" trying too hard to suppress his jubilant emotion. then we laughed. i congratulated him. my brother, he passed the bar, grabbed 7th place, lawyer at 25. then it dawned on me. our conversation. how he said he might land the 6th or the 7th. reminded me of the dick line, it ain't bragging if you can back it up. he's one bad ass, to say the least.

sio pao

June 26, 2009

jumbo siopao asado’y nas’an. kinutkot nang marahan, kakarampot ang natikman. mandurugas. akala ko ay sulit pero di pala, sayang lang nagtinapay na lang sana. ‘kala ko espesyal ngunit di pala pero panu ba malalaman kung di ko bubuksan. subalit huli na ‘di ba, bayad ko wala na. parang tao rin pala di mawari hagga’t di lubos kilala. siopao ang panlabas, hangin lang ang laman sayang lang, nagtinapay na lng sana. bulaan.

paold

June 25, 2009

how are you paold? what’s with that blank stare? we barely talked the last time i rushed by and it had been just over a month ago. how was the arthritis? had been a pain in the ass i bet, i mean joints and all. i remember the brisk little baby steps that you’d do when walking. your hanky covering your forehead against the blinding noon light, i behind you, forced to walk in a relaxed, carefree manner careful not to outpace you while ton rushed ahead of us to the nearest shade and waited only to rush again to the next until we all reached home. you never fail to amuse me pa. you’re one heck of an old man. the smartest, wisest i’ve known. your thirst for knowledge was what i look up to, your love for numbers, general knowledge, literature. you were fond of humming classic bikol songs and declaiming poems as old as your white hair, reciting each line–spanish, english, bicol–word for word as vehemently as a theater artist. damn you knew them by heart. were you as romantic when you were young? your bicol poems, tigsik, were my favorite. you were also an expert on numbers. thing that kol nong, te lhers and dhen fell heir to, to my misfortune and mhie perhaps. you did act as my tutor for a brief week when i was in highschool, too bad i didnt share your fondness for numbers. what i did have is your humor, and ton and lab too, especially kol nong and many others. wish you could tell funny stories again, the ones abruptly paused by your loud hearty laugh. kol nong is fond of doing that too. remember your favorite dolphy show and how it summoned your thunderous belly laugh each thursday nights? that was crazy. that show and the daily news programs were shows you never wanted to miss.  it was almost imperative that anyone who happened to be with you pay attention to the news too. you were hard on hearing and would oftentimes ask what the news was about all after the seemingly focused attention you give the TV. usually drew a laugh from us and a cuss from you when no one bothered to catch the news. it was amusing when you’re pissed, cursing out loud. well, you never really got angry as often and as loud as you’d curse. i like that about you. you’re as calm and as gentle as one could ever be, except when cursing. well, it was an expression, i know. i could count with fingers on one hand the number of times you had lost your temper. you always kept your cool and would rather face life in an easy, contented, comic way. almost childish even. showed a lot when you play dama, your favorite past time. i missed playing that game or at least seeing you and ton slugged it out. you really enjoyed playing it, especially each time you won–which was almost always–and then there came the all-time paold belly laugh after each match almost mocking. we also played billiards one time, it surprised me that you could pocket some balls, but then it includes angles and estimation, so why the hell did i wonder. aside from these pastimes, when not pre occupied, you would sleep. you sleep a lot sleepyhead. we used to be bedmates. as consistent as the sun’s setting were your power yawns which were half as loud as your sneeze and had about the same decibels as your belly laugh. then followed by your power snore moments later. equally bizarre were your activities like filing your finger nails with mere gillette, weekly visit to your favorite barber for your otherwise baldy head and  the ceremonial application of pomada never a gel. you were also a good whistler, an extremely neat and organized person, you never stuttered, always relaxed, good conversationalist, bad listener–i mean bad on hearing, a one funny old man. not only were you an interesting   person, you also possessed the gentlest of heart. never had i met someone with an ever cool temper and one who’s so thoughtful and caring. i saw how concerned you were when kol nong was sick, checking the forehead for temperature, constantly asking how he felt and all. exactly how a worried dad attends to his bunso. you showed and would show the same care and concern to any of us. i just hope you’d feel the same now that you need that same care more than ever. i was stunned when i saw you again, half the weight lost all in a month. as if something ripped your health away. our comic paold, our ever-gentle ever-loving paold. it was a shame we had to move your birthday celebration a day earlier, i mean we’re no Gloria, and your birthday was not a regular holiday or something. but then it made sense, today on your very special day, you could barely talk or recognize us anymore. it hurts rushing you now to the very place you dislike most. much more to see ton place his hand on your chest greeting you a happy birthday, the saddest greeting i’ve ever heard. nothing much i can do, holding your hand i don’t have the strength to utter even a single word. just staring at you and the cold presence of an emergency kit inside this moving vehicle. but the ominous siren is not wailing. perhaps it’s not that serious. i know. i’m fooling myself.

keeping the dream alive

June 11, 2009

“scientist, astronaut, police officer or engineer, what do you want  to be when you grow up?”,  ”scientist”, said i. the naivety of a child is amusing. i’m sure kids had been asked, at one point, this jaded question. it only shows how we, by culture or norm, are so  driven by dreams and aspirations that it’s almost a requisite for  kids to have one way before they learn the twinkle-twinkle song. the thing is, what most fail to realize is that dreams is something that is supposed to be pursued. can’t blame kids if no one bothers to explain that the question when answered doesn’t end there, that they need to work on it.  of course we figure it out as we grow up. each of us has his dreams, ambitions, goals and desires, what’s interesting is that we were introduced to the concept of dreams and ambitions at so young an age that we have plenty of time–practically a  lifetime–before us to achieve it, and achieving it is the hard part. involves tremendous will and determination peppered by challenges and sacrifices before one could live their dreams in the real world. sad how some settle for something less, when dreams stays as dreams and the will to achieve it dies along with their hope of ever realizing it. 
i too have been struggling to reach what i want in life. in retrospect, it has been a fair attempt, though what i am now is nothing close to being a scientist, not that i wanted to be one. in any case, let this post serve as a reference as i take yet another shot at pursuing my dreams, and when everything is settled in the future when my dreams turns into reality, i sure am going to pay a visit and perhaps leave a personal comment saying “damn i made it”.

bless the drunks

June 10, 2009

   

when demon bless the booze and losers take some swigs, damn the greatest of blunder occurs. that which tops the chart for most pathetic. snafus are left in the wake of fools that had too much to drink and can’t take any sense of control over themselves. have they always been under the false assumption that heavy drinking makes license for stupid theatrics which they can always get away with? booze loosens the tongue, where one could say words his sober self could not as much as utter, much more yell while sobbing. pathetic. worse when the tongue turns into sharp  uncontrollable butcher knife slashing and hacking anyone with mere offending words. it’s also funny how these bastards amp up their arsenal when drunk. to them alcohol is what spinach is to Popeye, a sudden upgrade on guts, bravery and–the one thing i could never stand–dauntlessness all for show. the kind that would never surface unless aided by toxicity. pathetic coward bastards. when will they ever realize that everything’s an illusion. nothing’s real except the disdain of the inconvenienced. the devil’s playing with their feeble minds. or is it even fair that we drag the devil into whatever fuck ups caused by these drunkards, even it would cry foul. it’s all about the drunkards, their boo boos and nothing else, blaming it to the booze is even lame. if they could only find what little inner strength they have to control this insanity, self destruction and self humiliation. i have nothing against drunks just the nasty unacceptable craps they do under the influence.

cee zees

May 5, 2009
comfort zones, i am amazed by how this concept influences so  much a person’s actions and  emotions. a mere human perception  yet holds undeniable influence, if not control, over one’s life. not a  psycho-freak (psychology that is) but i suppose one’s confidence  is proportional to the expanse of one’s comfort zone. one’s  ability to cope up with the changes surrounding him and the  capability to face them head on is one way of expanding these  so-called borders. easier said than done i guess. if only comforts  zones are as flexible as adjusting the size of a circle in microsoft paint. i have my comfort zones too, and it’s a constant challenge of  broadening them each time a new trial is faced, unfamiliar grounds reached or huge changes taking place that needs getting used to. i  bet there’s a ton of books, papers, magazines, blogs, references  that in one way or another offer tips and ways of addressing  jitters brought about by these so-called comfort zones. but come  to think of it, if these zones are mere perceptions, and if  perceptions are but products of the human mind, why not just  forget it as though it does not exist. so no more comfort zones bordering ones’ confidence and ones’ doubts. so there’s no more  referencing as to how far a person’s ability could stretch when  facing challenges or conquering fears. most importantly,  there’s no telling how great one’s potential could be as there is no  border, even imaginary, to consider. there’s no limit. of course it  not that easy. if the concept of comfort zone is wiped out from the archive of human cognizance, another psychology nut will just step up and say “hey i feel an unexplainable kind of uneasiness  today and i dont know what to call it…” and will later come up with another nifty term that is synonymous to comfort zones.  comfort  zones, although a mere perception, is as real, as tangible and acceptable as the human concept of change and undeniably a  part of the daily hustle and bustle of human life.

like brothers

April 8, 2009

one of the strangest experiences i’ve had was when i spent a week’s off in Bicol. i saw my brother’s notebook laid open on a  table. he was taking up law, out of curiosity i picked it up just to see how it compared to college notes. what happened next was, i would  say, insane, i couldn’t even remember having been astounded like that before. my brother’s cursive handwriting was eerily identical to mine, i mean they were closely alike i almost believed i wrote it. the strokes, the curves, the slants, damn  it was crazy! i even grabbed a pen and copied an entire sentence on  another sheet and compared both hand writings. it was just crazy! it was like bumping into a stranger whose face a spitting image of you. it was insane, upon scrutiny i saw some minor differences but damn at first glance they looked exactly the same. i rushed the notebook and the sheet to my brother to share what i  discovered. he was surprised but not as stupefied as i was. this is one of the sickest, weirdest, craziest experiences i’ve had. i wonder if i could file forgery.